January 12, 2012

Self-pity & other Random Ramblings

I think I have the flu. My entire body aches, my head and neck hurt worse than I can ever remember them hurting before. It feels like a battle is taking place inside my stomach! I spent the entire day yesterday sleeping off and on and being board out of my mind. I feel better when I lay down but when I stand up I suddenly remember, I'm very sick. Unfortunately I had to cancel my subbing jobs 2 days in a row. That's definitely a down side to subbing is that you don't get paid sick days.

This is one of those viruses that make you feel very weak. Which makes you feel like you should eat something but just the thought of eating makes my stomach erupt in violence. My mom always says to stick to the  A B C diet. Apples, bananas, crackers and other bland foods. That would have helped if I had those items available. Lucky for me my husband finally came home from work around 6:00 last night with groceries in hand. I really wanted some warm, healthy, fresh soup. Would that fit into the  A B C diet? Well he brought soup but not what I was expecting. So I threw myself in the bed and stayed in a little ball the rest of the night. That apparently left my husband in confusion and he just stayed away from me. All I wanted was for someone to take care of me :(

On top of having the flu I've been struggling with depression. It seems to be getting worse and I don't know what to do about it. I'm pretty sure it must be circumstantial depression. If there is such a thing... when we took our road trip to Virginia I started feeling much better. I can't believe I've been living in Nebraska for 9 months! I was under the impression that our move to Nebraska was supposed to be a temporary move, maybe 6 months at the most. Even though I knew it would be temporary I was determined to make investments and still live life.

One of the first things we did was start visiting churches. After visiting many we thought we finally found one even though it's size was out of our comfort zone. This church is huge! We got involved with a smaller group but we still feel very disconnected from this HUGE church. It definitely doesn't feel like what church family has felt like in the past. We've gone many times and not even spoken with one person. I don't think we've even seen the same face twice. I come from churches where if I didn't go one week I would get a phone call or a note from someone just checking on me and letting me know they missed me. This is not the case with this church, I've lost track of when the last time I went was. 

Everyone has basic human needs that need to be met. One of them is meaningful contact with others. I walk into a school to substitute and nobody knows my name and I walk into church and nobody knows who I am. I feel so lonely. I know it's partly my own fault, I should probably keep trying harder. I'm just burned out and I keep wondering in the back of my mind. Will we be moving sometime soon? To a place that will be more permanent. My husband's company keeps jerking us around. One minute we're moving in the next 30 days, the next minute we might move within the next 5 months.

The worst part is we were already set up with a real estate agent to get a feel for the area where we might be moving and he actually found us a lovely house to live in. I feel like the walls in this apartment I'm currently living in are closing in around me. I'm done trying to come up with creative solutions for all the stuff. Trying to fit a homes' worth of stuff into a tiny apartment is not fun. Sure things appear fine and dandy but they are so not. Things are really falling apart around here and I don't know what to do about it. I really can't imagine living here for another day let alone months! I'm ready to pack up and move on and start over fresh. I want to have my own indoor and outdoor space. I want to have an interesting place to walk my dog on a regular basis. I want to be within driving distance of fun places to explore. I want to be within driving distance of family. I want to be a part of a community!

I think I'm really starting to loose it. The flu on top of being depressed might just be the last straw. I don't know how to get out of the deep, dark place I feel stuck in. I read back over the last few paragraphs and I thought to myself, is it really that bad? No it's not. I've actually been through way worse circumstances and didn't feel this depressed for this amount of time. So that leaves me asking myself, is this circumstantial or is there something else going on here? I'm not familiar with depression. I just know that something is not right inside me. I just don't feel healthy and haven't for a while. I always thought depression was something that you can just push through something you had control over. Now I'm not so sure...

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and have been blessed in many ways. I realize this is something I need to focus more on but it just doesn't seem to help. I'm glad that I have this opportunity to vent and get some things out in the open. I'm thankful for the outlet this blog has created for me. A place to inspire and be inspired. Hopefully I can muster up some good things to share in the future. I'm feeling a little like a caged animal, the space I have to create in is starting to make me feel limited. The environment around me is feeling anything but inspiring....

If anyone has any advice for bouncing back from the flu faster or any advice for getting out of this depressed hole I'm finding myself in I would sure appreciate it.


8 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear you are going through a rough time :( I found your blog through pinterest - your crockpot lasagna recipe...
    sometimes when life hands you lemons and you aren't able to find your lemonade recipe, it's time to try something different. exercise has helped me feel better - but there have been times that medication has been the only thing that has helped. i hope you have a good doctor, or can find one who will listen and help you decide what is best.
    i hope life is good - or at least getting better :)

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    1. Thanks for your encouraging words! I agree that exercise does help me feel better but it's staying consistent and motivated... Part of my problem is that I have yet to find a good doctor since I've been in Nebraska and it's hard not knowing how long I will be here and if I should put forth the effort in trying to find one. I'm very blessed and life is good I just need to continue to keep that in focus.

      Did you try the crock-pot lasagna yet? I'm amazed at how many people find my blog because of it. People are really loving it :)

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  2. Are things going better yet? I just saw this, and I'm so sorry you've been feeling so crappy!

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    1. Well I've recovered from the flu but I'm still struggling with depression. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. It's probably just a season of life right now and hopefully I'll learn something from it. I hope you're feeling healthy and the family is well!

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  3. I wish there were a way to link to your website so I could see when you (or anyone) reply to a post. I feel bad because I'm just checking this now. So...still...we're praying for you and hoping that the procedure tomorrow will give you a clue about what you've been going through. I wish that we could be there to hug you. :)

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    1. If you click on the little subscribe by e-mail button right below the comment box that will subscribe you to responses and replies. I need to figure out if there's a better way... I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers! A hug would be really nice :)

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  4. Aha - it's in the directions. :)

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    1. I just figured out how to add those directions. They were only there since yesterday ;)

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